Emotions

This post isn't about Jillian. Well, I suppose indirectly it is, but it is really about me. We are days away from the arrival of her little sister and I find myself experiencing a whole wave of emotions I didn't expect to have. Yes, I am excited, anxious, a bit scared about managing two small children, etc. I figured I'd feel all of those things. But, I am also kind of sad and have feelings of guilt. Do not misread--not sad about having the baby, but sad that my time alone with Jillian is coming to a close. As I look back on the last 2 years and 8 months, I realize that I have spent a lot of time focusing on the hard things about mothering and not enough about the joys. I seem to have a knack for doing that in all areas of my life, and it bothers me. It is something that I am always struggling with and working on. I have guilt pertaining to whether or not I have done enough with Jillian while we've had this alone time....have we done enough enriching things, or spent enough time just playing, or have I been too busy managing work (the first year), adjusting to being at home (the last 1.5), or figuring out how to get enough time for myself to stay balanced (a continual battle for us all)? These are hard questions that an analytical thinker like me can really get stuck on. I became a big sister at nearly the exact same age that Jillian will, and though I do have memories of some of that only child time, I have no memories of family life that don't include my sisters. She probably won't either. It's hard to imagine how our lives will change with the new addition, but I am sure that we quickly will wonder what we ever did without her--just as we do where Jillian is concerned. I recognize my hormones are in overdrive and are the cause of me tearfully pouring out this unusual post, but it is important to me to continue to use this blog to record the events of Jillian's life. So in that light, its purpose is fitting. I won't always remember these feelings as vividly as I do now, and I want Jillian to know that our time alone together has been precious to me--even on the hard, frustrating days. I have had fun with her, and I have enjoyed her as my only child. She is such a precious little girl and I am proud of the person she is becoming. I know she will be a fantastic big sister, and I expect that she and I will always have a special bond surrounding our experiences as the oldest daughter in a family of girls. Your world is about to be rocked, Jilly Bean, but trust me when I tell you that you will someday thank your parents for a most wonderful gift: your sister.